She yells “daddy, daddy!”, Yet her demands remain unheard
Because all that is left in that fleeting car is the carcasses of the past and the unbeating heart that can and will never return the love that poisons her veins
However, she can’t admit defeat
Her rendered soul refuses to sink even though she is standing at the tip of a sinking ship with no way out and she can call out as many times for help, but there will be no one there to catch her when she slips into the abyss
So she will fall into the never ending sea of sorrow
Until the words “daddy, daddy” cause a pit of hatred in her stomach and she has the strength to break through the diamond chain that attached her heart to the heel of his foot that dragged her brutally behind his step
Yet as often as she will try to replace her lost feelings
The hole of emptiness in her spirit will remain untouched forever because when she comes to the realization that daddy isn’t her knight in shining armor and daddy isn’t the hero that rescues her from distress
Then her jaded heart will infinitely jump between longing for that missing love and loathing the existence of it at all
Silenced, with X’s crossed over your mouth. Your body is still but the pills have taken you so far away. “Stay grounded”, my brain keeps telling me so. Slow down, this ride is making me lose control. Lost lost, in an endless sea. I’m shouting for you to recognize me. Stop, whatever you’re doing up there. I’m slipping and you won’t help me, I’m about to let go. Falling, I’m falling down. You’re starring at me while I plummet on down. Silenced, from the lost of my friend. All I have left is the soulless hallow.
Now you see me. Now you don’t. Look up while I speak and listen to my mouth. The words that are about to flow out will change everything in sound. You can’t stand to see me this way – bitch I didn’t ask for your permission to stay. I can’t even explain the thoughts that are pouring out. Open your ears to find your way out. It’s like this, deep inside. Sometimes you are drowning, sometimes it’s all silenced now. Your body presses warm against my back. I should be happy, but I just want to find the nearest route back out. Away from you and away from all that you do. Please write me blank letters on the sleeves of my paralysis as I blank into the space that you refuse to leave.
I’m sitting here on this bus traveling to somewhere unknown. I have no home. I have no one expecting me. It’s late. And raining. I’m alone. Yet, for the first time in my life, I’m okay with the simple sounds.
I read a quote the other day that basically says that once we start seeking love, love will then begin to seek us. This doesn’t mean looking at everyone for a potential lover or going out to end up in a strangers bed in the morning. No, seeking love is feeling passionate and strongly for something or someone. Think of being in love. All the emotions involved. When you love someone, they become a part of you; your identity alters slightly with the new addition of another soul. Loving someone is the purest form of intensity that a person can feel. Therefore, seeking love is the act of searching for that feeling of intensity. You take more time out of your day to do things that you like, whether it be painting or going to the library. Creating the effort to break free from the daily cycle of life that is so consuming takes strength and will. Yet, it is most rewarding because it ignites love. Seek the passion and fire that resides in your inner soul. Seek for that love for living. Love is what drives life. Therefore, once you begin seeking love, love will find you.
I stand in the midst of chaos, voices, people.
So many people.
Covering my ears or closing my eyes won’t help.
I still hear it.
All of them.
Voices and thoughts consume my brain.
It won’t go away.
The possibilities are limited.
Do I run?
Or do I just continue to stand?
Because running won’t escape the voices.
It will only distract my body.
But my mind.
It can’t run away.
It can’t escape.
Soft, like the wild flowers we poured our deepest secrets out in. Vivid, like the vibrancy of your smile. Intense, like the love we once shared, you and I. Yet now, as you stare in front of me, the windows to your soul resemble nothing from my memory.
She did always say I remained her of a caged animal because my body may have been sitting right in front of you but my mind was all over the world.
And just like that, he was gone again. Because that’s what people like him do. They can’t stay in one place. They can’t stay with one person. They have so much darkness inside of them that they have to constantly move or else the darkness will consume them. I miss seeing him sitting on my chair in front of me rolling a blunt with those dark eyes. That image will burn in my memory forever. He is darkness. And he refuses to let me in. Because when he lets me in, he is letting his guard down. To him, that’s weakness. I envy his strength. He has this unlimited power to do whatever he wants to do. Yet, the power took him over. He will never be the same. And he will never be able to be with me. Because I remind him of what he used to be and he reminds me of who I can be.
The wind reminds me of you.
I can’t figure out why.
Is it because I can’t hold onto it?
I can’t be in control.
Or is it because it has the potential to destroy anything in its path?
Just to ruin all it comes across and move on.
The wind reminds me of you.
Maybe because I don’t know how it makes me feel.
Some days I am grateful for it.
Other times I wish it were nonexistent.
Especially when it blows the leaves around.
Causing a chaotic whirlwind of peace.
For no reason at all.
The wind reminds me of you.
When in the form of a light breeze,
it brings me back to our happiest days.
But when stormy gusts howl outside my window,
an unwelcoming darkness greets my vulnerability.
The wind reminds me of you,
but it also reminds me of me too.